I have had time to reflect in my life recently. Many significant changes have occurred in my life with in the last two years. My changes started with a decision to live in the present moment. A task that is a challenge to achieve in a noisy world, to live in the present. I decided to change my career path from 30 years in warehouse management to heavy equipment operation.

I handed in my two weeks notice and never looked back. To my surprise I just moved forward with out question or doubt. My friend had given me a notebook that has the title, “Hold On Let Me Overthink This”. That title articulated my state of constant thought. I have been told that I am the picture in the dictionary beside the phrase, “going down the rabbit hole”. Thus, you can see why I was surprised by this new found clarity.

My journey continues to flow through life. I trust my experience to make wise choices and keep my eyes open to see the opportunities that revealed to me as I journey. I have learned to trust myself because I no long challenge the direction life’s currents travel. Our path in life has been made long before we reach each new fork in the path.

My journey lead me to train as a heavy equipment operator and then the challenge to reach employment began. Along this path my marriage needed to be ended because the preceding 25 years I had been given the narrative that I was perpetually wrong and not a good enough man. My sense of duty to stick to the promises made in the early months of our budding relationship blinded me to the best direction for me. Now, after 25 years of me making many mistakes to see if I was worth something. My duty was unchained and uncertainty was the constant, yet I chose to be observant to what would be revealed along my journey.

I spent 2 months fixing up the matrimonial home as a guest with purpose. The house was put up for sale in an economic decline. I found work and made a mistake and was let go. A few days earlier I found out a friend had died and because I was at the camp job figured I would not be able to attend the funeral. The result was that I was able to see my boys and take them to the funeral. I offered to help my ex-mother-in-law the following Monday.

I felt that I was at rock bottom and the only direction was up from there. I help on the Monday for four hours. As I was leaving I started to feel flushed and sweaty. I drove a few blocks and I knew something was wrong. I parked the truck and proceeded to stagger into the coffee shop as a headache of stabbing pain started. My entire right side was feeling numb like the feeling you get when dental freezing is wearing off. I was praying that this was low blood sugar and ordered sweet iced tea and a donut. The voice that ordered was not my voice. As my prayer continued I staggered back to the truck to drink the sweat drink. My prayer was in vain and I already knew that I was most likely having a stroke. I knew I needed help because I couldn’t use my cellphone to call 911. As a result I needed to stagger back into the coffee shop and plead with the staff to call me an ambulance because I was having a stroke.

I was in hospital for nine days and now my journey continues in a different way. I physically am not the man I was and now rely on the help of others. I am fortunate that my birth family has taken me in. I thank them very much for their support. The stroke did give me a new sense of depth of challenge and the rock bottom I once knew was much shallower than the deep trench I now am adapting to.

Purpose is important to my duty to the family and then extends to my greater sphere of influence. I had lost what my life had shown me what my purpose was. Emotions have a range with some being dark and some being light. I now explored the darkness of my journey through life. Weather you are in the range of darkness or light life finds a way to restore balance.

I want to offer a balance to all those I can. I have a few ideas I am working on. My busy brain is racing as my body makes the slow progress. I want to share my approaches I am working on with others who would like to know.